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[Jan. 30th, 2010|05:31 pm] |
it's been so long since i've written in here, but i feel the need at this point. i don't know if anyone even looks at this anymore, but then again, this is more for me than anyone...right?
usually when i write in here it's because i'm having a really tough time with life, or i have a boy to talk about. i'm not having a particularly rough time, though i've had plenty of ups and downs in the past couple months. i don't have a boy to talk about...well i do, but this isn't an entry for him.
as i'm getting older and making different friends (rather, weeding through the "friends" i have to make room for the genuine friendships to blossom and grow), i'm finding myself getting rather nostalgic. i've grown and changed so much in the past three years, that i find myself sad at times. i miss how my life used to be..to an extent. i know change is inevitable. i know that it's part of life and that's how you grow--through change.
but fuck change.
i miss my favorite bands.
i miss buying a CD and love EVERY SONG on it.
i miss being able to talk to those few friends that truly GOT meit. how music was our everything and no matter what, it was always there for us.
i miss being in high school without a care in the world.
i miss having dependable friends and knowing that they're always there for me.
i miss saying FUCK YOU to the "popular" kids and laughing cause i knew i was loving my life more than they could ever love theirs.
i miss being young.
i miss the days when my family loved each other more than words could say and we NEVER fought.
i miss going and doing all the fun cutsie things mom and i used to do.
i miss being able to go and see my grandma every weekend.
i miss my besties.
and as much as i miss these things, i know i'm going to miss these and so much more in a few short years.
in two years...my life is going to change. i will be graduating from this school with my MBA, and have my Chemistry BA under my belt. I'll be going on to graduate school. I'll be a real adult. I'll have even more responsibilities and worries and concerns. I'll be an official grown up. I'm not ready to be one yet.
I'm not ready to accept the fact that the people i've known my entire life are going to be far away...that i may never see them again. i'm also not ready to see some of those people die. I know everyone's time comes and whatnot but i also know i'm not ready for it. my grandpa has had leukemia for the past 7 years. and he has been doing great with it. but now it's getting the the end of his fight and unfortunately he is losing. I am sick and fuckin tired of seeing the people i love die. I am tired of seeing my parents, grandparents, aunts, and uncles cry. i am tired of the pain i see in their faces. i went home because my grandpa was doing very bad...and to see the pain and sadness written on the faces of my mother and grandmother was one of the hardest things i've ever had to see in my life....and that's saying a lot. it just added to the hurt i was already feeling...to the hurt i've already experienced from the past, whether it be from deaths, broken friendships, etc.
i cried the other day. from many different things. my roommate told me i needed to cry...and cry a lot. she said the worst thing to do is to hold it in. i nodded as she told me of her own experiences of dealing with loss and how bottling her emotions affected her. none of it was surprising to me because i knew everything she was about to say before it came out of her mouth. i have been bottling and breaking down for the past three years.
this past wednesday i had a really bad day. no matter where i was, what i was doing, or who i was with, i could not.stop.crying. and then i realized something.
i got this tattoo for a reason. there is a deeper meaning behind it besides "it's in my favorite author's handwriting." i got this tattoo to remind myself that even if it doesn't get better, it WILL be okay. because i've been through worse. and i've always made it. things are GOING to happen. shit WILL fall apart. but the times when i'm at my worst there is ALWAYS someone there (always the same people) to help you pick up the pieces.
there are people that will stay with you through thick and thin, and i am lucky enough to be able to say my family has been part of that group of people for me.
i guess the entire point i've been trying to make is...that i'm better than anything you can throw at me...i've been through worse and made it out okay. it's okay to cry. it's okay to hurt. it's ok to regret. it's all part of life and how we learn and grow. as long as you pick yourself back up (with help if necessary) and remember that no matter what, you're fucking unbreakable.
thank you deadxstop. <3. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 20th, 2006|06:30 pm] |
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yes. friends only.
drastic? possibly.
necessary? yes.
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